


Renewal

by slowjam



Category: Paramore
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-07 23:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slowjam/pseuds/slowjam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hasn't gotten old. It just doesn't feel new anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Renewal

**Author's Note:**

> Funny story: When I started writing this, Paramore only had two full-lengths out and had a different lineup. Things have since changed, but i hope you enjoy the story all the same. Inspired by [dec 7 08](http://community.livejournal.com/we_are_cities/209474.html) at we_are_cities.

**i. intro (the party)**

They get invited to this televised event atop some swank building he doesn't remember the name of, and really, they can't say no because airtime is hard to come by nowadays. It's also something they need, what with their next album dropping in a matter of weeks.

It hasn't gotten old. It just doesn't feel _new_ anymore. 

 

**ii. first verse (departure)**

He freezes up around him occasionally, and it's during those moments that it takes everything within him to keep his envy bottled up, to bite his tongue and marvel at how much easier they have it, how _normal_ they can be because the worst thing that could happen is another song to play, another hook to pair a riff to, another set of words the crowd can sing back. 

It doesn't hurt so much as it does ache. 

He feels it every once in a while, a dull, incessant pawing at his chest, and sometimes it leaves him in his bunk wondering what would've happened if he didn't trust routine so much, if he stopped to notice how she began to float away when she held his hand and he wasn't floating with her.

His girlfriend has a vague idea of it all, and he means it every time he says "You're too good for me." 

She tries not to look into it too much.

::

"Okay. So you want closure or something?"

"No."

(A look, and then -)

"No?"

"No. You can't have closure if it never ends."

(Pause)

"You always were stubborn."

::

There's always a build up to moments like these, he thinks. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when it starts, but once he feels it, he tries everything he can to make it go away. Through it. Around it. (It's never _over_ it.) The only thing left to do is leave.

His brother is the one who tries the hardest in stopping him. He appreciates the sentiment, even though Zac's arguments are the same ones he already has looping in his head.

Jeremy plays mediator until they decide to take a break. It tires him out, and when he calls Sarah to tell her they're pulling out of the tour, she asks how they're doing. She's well aware of how they work (both separate and apart), but it still takes a while to explain.

"I mean, I understand where he's coming from, wanting to go home, you know?" He clears his throat. "He needs to get his head straight. You can't blame the guy."

Sarah sees the similarities, but also sees the difference: Jeremy wanted to return to familiarity; Josh wants to escape it.

::

"Tell me what's wrong. Just tell me."

"What, so you can tell me how I'm wrong again?"

::

**iia. second verse (summer)**

They sneak off together after soundcheck because it's really, really hot and she's pretty sure she'll explode if she doesn't get a Dr. Pepper anytime soon. 

She methodically stuffs her hair into her boyfriend's hat and almost has to do it all over when she sees Josh walk over with two bottles dripping with condensation.

"Got 'em off the venue crew," he explains as they walk away from the backstage area. "I don't get why you just didn't ask for these on the rider." He hands a bottle over to Hayley.

"The last thing I need is someone on my case about what I can and can't drink," she replies, pressing the moist bottle to her cheek. "C'mon, let's go sit over there."

"Over there" ends up being a set of steps near one of the smaller stages. A couple of crew members glance their way, but they mostly go unnoticed. Regardless, she takes pride in still being able to pick a decent spot to sneak off to, even during a festival.

(When he asks, as he does every once in a while _because that's what friends do_ , she never admits how she got used to the rush of it all.)

Josh's phone goes off just as they're about to sit down. He sets his drink down to answer it.

"Hello?  
...  
Yeah, we're just checking the place out.  
...  
Yes.  
...  
Something to eat? No, we're coming back.  
...  
Yeah."

Josh pauses and she thinks she hears a twinge of hesitation from the other line. His brow twitches for a split second.

"You honestly think that?  
...  
No.  
...  
Yeah, we'll be back in time. Bye."

As he puts the phone back in his pocket, he remarks, "Yeah, Graham is _definitely_ acting more motherly nowadays."

She frowns a bit but dismisses it quickly. "Yes. Which is exactly why you're helping me do this." She puts one hand on the bottlecap and prompts Josh to do the same.

He raises his eyebrows in response and grabs his bottle, mirroring her pose. The drinks hiss in unison as they twist the caps off and she smiles, nudging her bottle against his.

"To summer," he declares.

"To summer," she echoes.

She realizes it's a bit of a halfhearted statement when the soda hits her tongue and it's not as sweet as she remembered it. The slight sting in her throat makes up for it.

She wants to blame it on how long it's been.

 

**iia. second verse (summer, or something like it)**

When they were together (like they were and not like they are), she made herself familiar with every part of him she could touch. It made it a little bit more bearable until they hit the next rest stop.

They never could picture an ending. They try to laugh about it sometimes.

 

**iib. third verse (fall)**

Hayley likes seeing him happy. He deserves it.

His face lights up every time he sees his girlfriend watch their set, he sings obnoxiously off-key on the bus just to make her laugh, and one time, she catches him smile when he finds a picture of them that she taped to the inside of his bunk before she left, with _Happy five months I love you_ written on the other side.

Some days she wonders where he put their pictures. Other days she wonders which ones he threw out.

When she gets home, she puts all of their things inside a box and places the box under her bed. She doesn't think it matters if it collects dust; all that matters is that it's there. She's not sure if she'll ever open it again. It's just a comfort to know where it is, to know nothing inside of it will ever change unless she wants it to.

The pack rat lives on.

 

**iii. interlude**

Somewhere between writing and tracking their third album, he remembers to breathe. He takes it all in, and it's the first time he doesn't feel her in the air or in his head or anywhere save for her foot tapping the floor, plain as day for all the world to see. 

He's not sure if he's gone numb or if he's started to _feel_ again.

 

**iv. fast forward**

And so the date passes. One year. Two years. Three. Relationships come and go. He doesn't leave. She doesn't date any movie stars. Nobody goes solo. 

They've always expected more from each other.

 

**v. outro (the party, still)**

After they wrap their performance and finish interviews for the night, she sees him soaking in the rooftop view away from all of the commotion, his gaze slowly tracing the city lights below. 

Her heels clack against the concrete as she makes her way over to him, pacing slow and even.

"It's crazy how we're still going," he says as she stands next to him. He doesn't turn to face her, but she nods anyway, turning her attention to the city beneath them.

"It's crazy how we haven't killed each other by now."

Josh chuckles softly. "Yeah. Weird, huh?" He looks over at her and smiles for a fleeting moment. "I don't think it's the same, though."

The cool air ruffles Hayley's skirt as she pushes stray locks of hair away from her face. She can hear the party continuing on in the distance. 

"Maybe that's a good thing."

"Maybe."

They turn to face each other.

"You know it's not supposed to stay the same."

"I know," he says. "I know."

::

Josh looks at his phone. Half an hour to go and he's stuck being the search party of one.

"Sorry dude," Jeremy said. "Last night of the year and our ladies are here. You know how it is."

Josh looked over at Taylor and then to Zac, who simply nodded in response. 

Looking for Hayley, he thinks, sounds like a simple task, but it really isn't. Especially since she decided her hair didn't need to change color all the time. Taylor tried dialing her number earlier, but the constant busy signal told them to give up. 

Ten minutes pass and he can't help but panic a little. He sort of wishes she still had a boyfriend that kept tabs on her, but he's been there and quite frankly, he wouldn't wish that on anyone. He's got enough to deal with already.

::

He finds her sitting on the stairwell steps, wrapping up a phone call.

"Everyone back home is now a year away from us," she says.

He smiles tiredly and sits down next to her. She rests her head on his shoulder. 

"We should probably get going."

It was all starting to feel too familiar.

::

When they look back on that night, they argue about how it happened. But in the end, he thinks maybe how it happened is less important than the fact that it happened.

He can taste the champagne on her lips.

The cameras go off, confetti falls, and everything old feels new again.


End file.
